Slinging Bed Pans and Saving Lives, Part III

So this guys dies and goes to heaven where it's explained to him that everyone is equal. While in line at heaven's cafeteria a guy in green scrubs and a green skull cap cuts right in front of him in line. “Hey, I thought everyone here was treated equal?” he says to the guy behind him. “Don't worry about it, that's just God,” the man replies, “sometimes he thinks he's a surgeon."

In our society we think of doctors as special, our modern-day shamans. They possess power not just in the skill of their hands and minds but even the legal ability to treat our ills and save our lives. Not till you work with them every day can you really see that they are regular folks as well (even if they have to be reminded once in a while).

I really don't mind uplifting those who cure and heal us a little bit. I just wish people like nurses and teachers got more reverence for the magic they do.

It didn't take too long working in the ICU for the mythology and romanticism of the MD to loose it's luster. Most of the docs I worked with were residents. They were young doctors who by the hour, were making even less money than I was. Obviously their salaries would climb considerably once in practice, but most of them had borrowed hundreds of thousands of dollars for med school and then they would have to be paying that back while they borrow once again to set of their practice and pay staggering amounts for insurance.

Attending physicians and surgeons were established and making good money but I was certain I saw more of them than their families ever did. They were always working, always stressed.

Then there was the incident: “Code blue, code blue,” the overhead speakers blared, “Parking garage, level two. Code blue, parking garage, level two.”

There must be stranger sites than a bunch of nurses running... and I do mean running, around a parking garage, pushing a top-heavy crash cart and trying to find someone in medical distress but I'm not sure because I had to stay in the ICU. Finally they found him, unconscious in his running car with a hose run from the tailpipe into the back window. They said he was a doctor.

After he had recovered a bit I went into his room to get his vital signs. I was flabbergasted! I knew the guy, not from Highland or from Rochester General. He was one of the radiologists that rotated on Saturdays at Thompson Hospital in Canandaigua, my first X-ray job.

It really hit me hard. He was a really nice guy, a good looking guy in his late thirties. He had a family with young kids. I had always enjoyed working with him but, obviously there were things I didn't know. I tried to treat him with kindness and kept and air of normalcy. I feltbadly for him wondering what in his life had made him want to end it. I was also embarrassed for him; to have something like this happen and be cared for in one of the places you work must have been a difficult pill to swallow... then again, he did choose to make his attempt in our parking garage when he could have done it anywhere. I never saw him again after that.

Though there is an urban legend via “Seinfeld” that dentist's have the highest occupational suicide rate, it's actually physicians. Factually, foodbatchers have them slightly edged out, but who the heck even knows what a foodbatcher is? Oh maybe that's the reason they're hurling themselves into industrial mixers at such a rate.

Though I still would work with an residents that I found interesting and attractive. I no longer had any illusions about doctors in particular. In fact, to me the MD was a count against them. Of course it was after I reached this conclusion that a resident expressed an interest in me.

It was nurses though who I worked with most closely. There is a stereotype of the ICU nurse made famous by Kathy Bates in “Misery” but nothing could be further from the truth. Well, okay there were one or two... Every one of them were intelligent, dedicated professionals and most were a great pleasure to work with. 

"You should have bought a squirrel"

Our business was literally serious as a heart attack but we had our fun too of course.

The chief resident, Conrad, was on his last night of being 'on-call' and we decided to give him a going away present during a quiet period in the evening. I dressed up as a patient and got in an empty bed. We attached a heart monitor to my chest and taped fake IVs to my arms. Conrad was in the on-call room where he had fallen asleep studying. One nurse ran in to get him as everyone else stood at the ready a few yards from 'my' room. When Conrad ran out, dazed and in his stocking feet, everyone went into action—except me; I just lied there. Not only did we respond codes on a somewhat regular basis but they practice codes we ran every week. I could only hear the goings on with my eyes closed. The crash cart was wheeled in the room, drawers opened, IV bags ripped. There was a flurry of activity all around around me. The respitory therapist who was in on the joke pretended to breath for me with an ambu bag which was pretty handy in covering my familiar face from Conrad. The nurses kept giving Conrad a made-up medical history for me. I was a coke over-dose which was odd because they also told him I was a surgical patient (hence a patient he had not worked-up). One nurse alongside me wiggled a finger on one of my heart leads so in the monitor it would either look like v-tach or at least have so much artifact that my normal healthy heart rhythm could not be seen. It was an unexpected eye-opener for me. Being at the center of a code, even a fake one, was actually kind of scary.

Conrad was still trying to put together this unlikely medical emergency in his sleepy state and make sense of the BS everyone was feeding him. Right around that time I thought it would be a fine idea to have a seizure which stirred the activity in the room like smoking a bee hive. Not long after that Conrad thought to take a manual pulse on my wrist. “Wait a minute”, he said in his Pakistani accent, “this patient is not in V-tach, he has a pulse.”

The gig was up. I sat bolt upright and said “I'm feeling much better now.”

Conrad rolled his eyes and walked wordlessly from the room went back into the on-call room and closed the door. Everyone else laughed hysterically.

As ever, I was a musician first. My career path in healthcare was by accident, a mere survival tool. I had been there for several years and was never even tempted to make it some sort of career. Anita, the department manager who had hired me, had left for another job. Her replacement, who looked like Santa Claus and has since tainted that image for me, had a very different philosophy than Anita regarding the technicians. This, along with some other factors turned a job that was marginally tolerable into moderately miserable.

Testing pee, dumping bedpans and suctioning trach tubes had never been my favorite thing to do but now those things really began to grade on me. I had always had a pleasant bedside manner and enjoyed my coworkers but my overall attitude was slipping fast. I was finding more and more that I just didn't care, and in an ICU, that ain't good!

I became so frustrated with my job and those in charge of it that one day when I returned home, before I entered the house I took off my stethoscope and threw it as far as I could. Later that night I jumped over the fence in my back yard, retrieved the thing from my neighbor's yard and gave it a good cleaning.

A good friend of mine that I'd met in drafting class in high school had actually become a drafter and knew of my unhappiness where I was working. He told me there was an opening for a drafter where he worked. There was the obvious problem of my never having worked a day as a drafter and that I had never drafted on a computer (our school got AutoCAD computers the year after I left). Throwing myself into something unreasonable was something I was getting good at. My friend helped me get set up with a cheap 386 computer and a 'copy' of AutoCAD. I went to his house to get a crash course then I was on my own. I spent every waking hour learning AutoCAD and creating drawings that would become my portfolio. I had two weeks from the time I got my computer until my interview. To say I was motivated would have been an understatement.

I interviewed with a very nice guy named Dan who would be another person that took a chance on me as a largely unknown quantity.

Thanks Dan!

Working as a drafter was such a pleasure after being in the ICU for seven years and being in X-ray seven years before that. Sitting at a desk all day, all by itself made me feel as though I was being fed grapes and fanned with palm fronds. I also took great satisfaction in creating the drawings even though those drawings were largely of cable harnesses and electronic assemblies.

I was even being paid more.

My time in healthcare had come to a close. Though I think I did it for several years longer than I should have, I have no regrets. I think there are reason's that things happen as they do. I met many wonderful people, several of whom I am still in contact with.

 Me working in the Highland ICU

Even more than that, I experienced things that have prepared me for life at large and for situations I will likely face in the future. I have stored away many stories and human experiences that I can engage as a writer and a songwriter.

I already have such a song from a patient's point of view. I have never been a patient in an ICU or for more than a couple of days. I never would have been able to write this song without seeing the things I've seen.  Here it is as a rough demo of the song: Dronmonium
The link will open in a separate tab. Return to this tab if you want to read the lyrics and tech notes below.

Dronmonium

©2005 Joel T Johnson 

There's a bloodstain on the ceiling
I stare at it all day
The IVs drip into this empty feeling
I wish life away

This life's for living
This blue sky, for breathing in
I won't forget you
With all my might

Through the haze of the meds and the pain
everything feels like mud and rain
I can't tell where does this bed begin
and where do I end

I feel your hand close round mine

This love's for giving
This blue sky, for breathing in
I won't forget you
with all my might

Fishing poles, snow, cardboard boxes, The Alamo
Driving home at three AM
Wind that bends the trees
Your hair in the morning
Sun so bright it makes me sneeze
Fire trucks, socks, cereal

It's time to go now
Gray sky parts to let me in

I won't forget you
I won't forget you
forget you...

Tech Notes:
While working on a film score the director also was considering having me do some sound design as well so I experimented with recording some bird sounds off my balcony. I didn't end up doing the sound design portion of the film and forgot about my experiment and recorded "Drononium" on the same tape but thankfully not over the track the bird sounds were on. When I first mixed the tune I heard the birds and wondered where the heck they were coming from. Eventually I remembered the experiment. I like the effect so much I simply left the birds in.

The bass--as in many of my song--is the main musical force. Not sounding like a bass--as in many of my songs-- the bass uses harmonics and a thickly mixed delay for a clock-like chime sound as well as ringing fretted notes for a drone quality--hence the name of the song. The bass guitar is recorded on one track. There are no overdubbs, no other bass tracks.

The actual low-end bass is handled by a Korg MP-1 Analog synth.

There is guitar in this recording but, you guessed it, it doesn't sound very much like a guitar. it was recorded by Dan Penn, who, if you listen carefully, speaks during the intro to tell me he can only hear music in one side of his headphones. Dan uses a guitar 'playing' technique he coined "Squee", where he uses multiple effect pedals (relying heavily on multiple analog delays) to create and shape a continuous stream of sound and noise from the guitar, often without having continue playing the guitar after the initial wave of sound is created.


This technique creates an otherworldly atmosphere throughout the song and becomes especially interesting at the very end. We recorded several takes at Dan's request. Just before I hit the stop button at the end of the last take he unplugged the guitar which created a brief but loud buzz. With all the effects and delays that single buzz became a rhythm of several buzzes as the various delays returned the sound at different intervals. The icing on the cake was that when I played back the tape the buzz rhythm was interrupted at the point that I stopped the tape but instead of it giving way to silence the tail end of the previous take was heard because I had stopped the tape further along for that take. At the moment where the last take gave way to the previous take there was, just by chance, there was a wonderful bell-like tone Dan had created. The chance edit made the two things sound like one magical sound effect that sounds like nothing I've ever heard that drifts off into the distance just like the character in the song.

I later created a whole 'mix' based on that one sound.

Slinging Bed Pans and Saving Lives, Part II

I was young, hormones were coursing through my veins. Of course I had some romantic interest in some nurses, residents and medical students here and there, who wouldn't? I confess, the financial prospect of ending up with a doctor had not escaped the outer reaches of my imagination. “Hey Doc, how'd you like to be a patron of the arts?” was the joke I told my coworkers whenever I saw an attractive girl in scrubs and a lab coat. I went on a date with a med student, but unlike her med school curriculum, there was not a lot of chemistry.

I knew at my most charming, the chasm between their professional world and the jerk pushing a wheel chair was a big one. Looking back, I thank my lucky stars I never actually got involved with a doctor.

I had a secret admirer who turned out to be the daughter of a patient—and not particularly attractive. Her interest in me ended abruptly when she discovered that I wasn't a doctor.

At least I looked like a doctor apparently.

Maybe it was time to stop being that guy pushing the wheelchair. As a music major college drop-out with no intention of giving up music and seven years of hospital work under my belt, to stay with it—love or hate—was the best option until something solid churned up in music.

I kept my eye out for full-time hospital jobs in Rochester; anything that didn't involve a mop or require certification. With ambitions of attending The Berklee School of Music, I took a trip to Boston and submitted my resume at nearly all of the twenty-hundred-bazillion hospitals in Beantown to no evail. I even briefly considered gong to nursing school but determined I didn't want to invest in something I had no passion for.

One day I got a call from a woman named Anita O'Halla. She wanted me to come in and interview for a position as an ICU technician at Highland Hospital.

A technician? In an intensive care unit? Whoa! It was exactly the type of opportunity I had hoped for... But, whoa!

During the interview she told me plainly that all the other people she was considering had a lot more experience with patient care. No surprise there; EMTs, ER technicians and nursing assistants were among my fellow applicants. Even though I had been working in hospitals for the last seven years I had never made a bed with hospital corners or taken a blood pressure. This was an experimental type of position at Highland and there would be a lot of on-the-job training.

It seemed a long shot and a lot to hope for. Highland was a nice small hospital and only six blocks from where I lived. Not only would it be a full time job with respectably more money, but there would be benefits, actual health insurance!

To my great surprise Anita called a few days later and offered me the job!

The irony is that if I thought I really had a good chance at the job I might have been more nervous and blown the interview. Anita described the job in detail and said how intense (no pun intended) it could be at times. She asked me pointedly if I thought I could handle it.

“Yeah, no problem.”

I was so under-qualified for this job, it seemed pointless to stress about it? Don't get me wrong, I was pretty sure I could do the job if given the opportunity. I have a talent for throwing myself into new things quickly and I probably said something to that effect. I looked confident and Anita figured I was worth taking a chance on.

There is a short list of people who have taken a chance on me like Anita O'Halla did. Even though health care was not a passion of mine, I worked with some amazing people and gained human experience that made me a better person.

Thank you Anita, wherever you are!

I learned a lot about human physiology and the practical side of critical patient care. I learned how to perform EKGs, and six different ways to measure and test urine. I learned how to read and measure normal and abnormal heart rhythms. Then there was the scary stuff like performing, CPR, drawing blood from veins and arterial lines, inflating balloons on the ends of Swan Ganz catheters in the pulmonary artery and taking readings from a cardiac output computer, assisting with sterile procedures and—the one that makes everyone cringe when I tell them about it—inserting urinary catheters. 

Then there was the gross stuff... I won't trouble you!

On the job most of what I did was routine: getting and charting vital signs, washing patients who couldn't do it on their own and making beds, often with the patients still in them.

“Codes” or “code blue” means, well heck, everyone's seen “ER”. When a code was called, my chief responsibility was to 'get stuff' and get it fast. I also ran (literally) samples to the lab and assisted in whatever way I could.

One of the residents or med students would usually perform chest compressions at the beginning of a code, which, when done correctly, are pretty tiring. When those folks got winded one by one, a succession of a nurses would take over and then, eventually, me.

I can remember once doing chest compressions on a patient right after my shift started. I timed my rhythm to a song I had heard on the radio that morning. Unfortunately, the codes that went on long enough for me to be called into service at the center of things were usually, by that time, a lost cause. The patient pronounced dead while I was kneeling next to them on the bed and pumping their chest.

I sometimes felt more like I was an harbinger of death than a saver of lives. I remember giving one of them a shave a couple days after the fact. I was part of the team and contributed to saving a lot of lives. I just hoped that one day the CPR I performed would actually do someone some good. Eventually there were two people saved after I did CPR.

TMI Alert Skip ahead if you're easily grossed-out.

The chest compressions shown on TV in the movies are not often like the real thing. When done correctly, the sternum is pressed down hard enough that it 'squishes' the heart so it pumps blood. It's pretty brutal really. When a patient has been receiving chest compressions for that long, some ribs are often already broken. When the duty came around to me, I could feel the bones already grinding beneath my hands.

Even though most codes were successful in resuscitating the patient, I only did chest compressions on codes that went on for a long time, so very few of the those people survived. They usually “called it” a few minutes after I had jumped up on the bed.

I also had the opportunity to perform a defibrillation... well actually a cardioversion. That's the thing with the paddles... you know...

-eeeeeeeeee- “CLEAR!” -eeeee-

SSCHOCKKK!

It's like defibrillation except it's not an emergency. Officially, a doctor is supposed to perform this and there was one standing right behind me sure enough. He asked me if I wanted to do it and I did.

Cardioversion patients are placed in a non anesthetic sleep-state using a drug called Versed. Often the patient, upon being shocked, would sit bolt upright and say out loud “OWWW!!!” then fall back asleep as if nothing had happened. They would have no memory of the event. Another feature of 'vitamin-V' as I called it: zero recall.

After I had been on the job a couple months as was leaving to go home one day I ran into the daughter of a man that had been in the ICU a couple of days before. ICU stays are usually pretty short before the patient is transferred to a regular floor. I wheeled his man up to his new room myself. I had developer a rapport with both he and his family so when I saw the woman my face lit up and I asked her. “How's Charlie doing?”

“Dad passed away earlier today,” she said.

It was as if I had been hit with a two-by-four. I had lost my first patient. It wouldn't be the last. It was an ICU, I saw dozens of people pass. Violently in the throngs of a do-whatever-you-can, all-hands-on-deck heroic measures code, or slowly and peacefully with “do not resuscitate orders” signed and a family gathered around. Peaceful deaths are nothing like on TV and the movies by-the-way. The heart lumps out an occasional labored beat every few seconds. This could go on for an hour or more.

I soon developed a protective shell regarding death. No other patient death effected me personally the way that first one did.

Except for one.

It was the late eighties/early nineties and people in the end stages of H.I.V. were not uncommon. One such patient had passed peacefully. He couldn't have been more than thirty. There was no family, just the man's same-sex partner, a soft spoken young man who asked us if he could help us wrap the body.

This was unheard of. No one had ever even asked us that. Perhaps it was the boldness of the question or the sincerity in his eyes but the nurse I was working with agreed to allow him to assist as we cleaned, shrouded and tagged his dead partner.

I had not been exposed to openly gay people very much at that point in my life. Even though I thought of myself as progressive and non-judgmental, I was not even aware of my prejudices until I felt them melting away. I must have felt that being gay meant that one felt love differently, it was not real love, not a love that I could understand or relate to.

The young man calmly, almost serenely, cared for his partner's body while wiping away silent tears. I could not yet imagine loving someone that much and yet this gay man knew worlds more about loving someone than I did. Hearing him whisper his final goodbye as we covered the passed man's face with the shroud, something inside me changed. I saw things differently from that day on.

That doesn't mean I was suddenly comfortable with same-sex affection. I had a ways to go.

I don't enjoy asparagus very much either, but some people love the stuff.

Part III next week.

Slinging Bed Pans and Saving Lives, Part I

It was my first time solo. She was very beautiful, which was no help, I was already nervous. She was also deaf which was even worse, for my efforts were not met with silence but with a plaintive animal-like wail unrestricted by any self-consciousness. She may not have even been aware that people in other rooms could hear her .

I gave up and released the knotted band around her arm. There was no way I was getting any blood from her veins. I put down my needle and test tube and got a nurse to take over.

I never aspired to work in the medical field. I have been told I have a talent for patient care but to be honest, I didn't care for it. I was a musician and I needed keep myself in bass strings, that was all there was to it.

What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

I had no girlfriend so I needed to come up with rent too.

It all started out innocently enough; I was standing by my locker in high school and said “I have to find a job,” to no one in particular.

“I've got a job for you,” said Dave Clark.

Dave, who I barely knew, was about to change jobs and his old one as a X-ray transporter at F.F. Thompson Hospital. After school we went to meet his boss, Don, who was a gruff sort who, as I remembered later, had been the one who X-rayed my foot after a childhood bike accident.

F.F. Thompson Hospital

Before I knew it I was working Saturdays wheeling patients to and from X-ray, taking sheets of film from X-ray cassettes and feeding them into the developer. On my second day on the job I opened the door to the darkroom after forgetting to close the film drawer. I'll never forget having to tell Don I ruined twelve hundred dollars of film. Somehow I lived to tell about it but never came close to doing in again.

I used to religiously watch the show “Emergency”, a TV series about Paramedic firemen which included the goings-on at a hospital. A few of the kids on my school bus were also big fans also and we would 'play' Emergency on the bus -with each kid getting off at a different 'fire' along the way. I was one of the last kids off the bus but in my head I was still 'playing'. Because we lived in a remote corner of the township our bus was a small one, not even a dozen kids. Each kid on the bus played a different character on the show. I was Captain Stanley, Matt Colf was Roy , Beth Repard was Johnny and Dave Carson, whose favorite show was really “Scooby Doo” himself chose to be “Boots” the fire house dog.

One day I was wheeling a patient on a stretcher over to X-ray from the ER wearing my white lab coat. I passed my friend Beth in the hall who had become an EMT and was dressed in her blue uniform. I thought back to playing Emergency on the bus.

Whoa, head-trip!

Eventually, Sundays were added to my schedule. Sundays were nice because there were no scheduled exams and generally less to do... other than the Sunday ER regulars: There was always hand X-rays for the morons that punch a wall after some girl left the party with someone else. Now that they were sober the next morning, that sucker was really starting to hurt. There was usually some skier who would hit a tree or something else at Bristol Mountain during the winter. Summer had it's share of mishaps too with the lake shore population doubling and running into each other apparently. There were of course car accidents year round but always more when it was snowing. My favorite was the abdominal exams late on sunday afternoon for the folks that could see Monday on the horizon and weren't about to take it lying down... meaning that they had every intention of taking it lying down... all day; so they needed a doctors excuse.

Sundays were no picnic though. The work-load was lighter but then there was Liz to deal with.

Liz was an X-ray technician that worked from Saturday afternoon to Monday morning. That's right: forty hours straight, one marathon shift. She would make up a stretcher and sleep when she could, but there were unlucky weekends when she barely had a moment to close her eyes the whole time, “Crazy busy” she called it. Anyone that would agree to such a work schedule, it shouldn't be a big surprise to learn they are a bit um... 'touched'.

Liz was unique, to put it politely. Working with her was a trip and there wasn't much peace in it. To say Liz was a talker is like saying that Rush Limbaugh leans a tad to the right or that a competing in a triathlon is getting some exercise. From the moment I walked in Sunday morning till I left in the afternoon she never stopped talking. There was at least one occasion at the end of the day that I backed away slowly trying to interrupt her endless stream of trivial commentary to take my leave. “Okay, gotta go Liz... that's nice Liz but I... okay, yeah I'm really leaving now... yeah uh huh... bye... yeah... okay...” As I walked down the hall I could still hear her talking to me in the empty X-ray lounge area. I had to wonder how long she kept going. It could have been hours for all I know.

If Liz is in a forest and there's no one to hear her, does she ever stop talking?

During her forty hour shift, I was the only other person to work with her directly. I can understand her being keen on having an eight hour chat in the middle to get it all in, but there was that other problem...

Whatever chemical most people have in their brains that prevent every single thought from becoming public speech, Liz didn't have it. She didn't just talk constantly, she talked about anything and everything. She talked about... certain... things, girl things, things no man should hear, in detail, every month; a sort-of vaginal Tourette's syndrome.

*shutter*

Liz's quirks went beyond conversation. Someone told me when she moved to town, she met the “Welcome Wagon” lady at the door wearing only a smile. Liz actually once said to me while discussing her days as a young mob groupie: “You know, I don't see what's so wrong about organized crime.” Her husband was a horse trainer and she spent her five day 'week-end' working with him and the horses. It was apparent that she spent more time with horses than patients; on a few occasions when trying to raise some old guy's leg in the air to take a hip x-ray she would click her tongue the way one would when getting a horse to raise a hoof.

To write Liz off as simple minded was a mistake though. She came off as flighty to say the least, but she was actually quite intelligent and could 'zap' you when you were least expecting it. I came to respect her for that and I actually did like her. She was just a bit of a challenge to be around.

I worked at Thompson Hospital through the remainder of High school and college then I moved to Rochester and started working at Rochester General Hospital. I had the same job and did the same thing only on a factory scale with a team of other transporters (at least two of whom are doctors now).

Rochester General Hospital
Far bigger than this picture shows.

My entrance physical exam was given by a female med student. She was an attractive girl who wasn't much old than I was. She was extremely nervous during the exam, especially when she had me cough. I thought it odd for a doctor, whatever the sex, to be nervous about 'lil ole me. Perhaps that was her first time like mine with the deaf girl a couple years later, but at least I wasn't yelling about it.

The Radiology department was headed by a doctor who had a unique personality. He had a thing for zebra's and probability which had something to do with their stripes, but inever quite understood it. He referred to the X-ray department as “ARRG...ZAP” or Associated Radiology at Rochester General Hospital -Zebras and Probability. We even had pens and T-shirts with the logo.

 

Told ya!

The radiology department, like the hospital, was huge. There were around twenty exam rooms set up in a rectangle with typical tiled and barren hospital corridors around the outside of the rectangle and carpeted smaller hallways within. The inner carpeted portion of the department—the part the patients never see—was decorated with the eccentric creations of the head radiologist. There were many posters of Zebras and two actually zebra skins hanging on the walls. There were a number of humorous photos framed in old x-ray film cassettes, a “Deliveries In Rear” sign on the entrance to the barium enema room, many mobiles and wind chimes made from artificial hips, orthopedic plates and artificial heart valves.

We transporters had our fun. We figured out how to make a nifty blow gun by rolling up and taping an 11 X 17 'chest' film into a tight tube and inserting an 18 gauge needle through a cone of paper of just the right size. We could even get the projectiles going fast enough to stick the needles into the walls. It was all fun and games till one of our own got one in the leg as he walked past our target range.

The patient waiting area had one of those large photo mural wallpapers popular in the eighties. It showed an autumn woodlands with a stream winding gently through the middle. We used to cut pictures from magazines and place them discretely in the picture. We had a guy fly fishing in the stream, birds in the trees, animals in the woods and super models looking out from behind trees. The department administrator hated this and would search for and remove our contributions after every weekend. This made it a game to camouflage our collage well enough for him to miss. One day I saw him eye ball the mural from an angle at one end to try and see the tell-tale Scotch tape against the surface of the paper. There was a small orange bird we placed amongst the fall foliage that was so well hidden it was still there when I left.

Elevator surfing was another sport we enjoyed, but not perhaps quite as daring as it sounds. When riding from floor to floor we hopped up on the rails and stood in the corner with one foot on the back edge and one on the side. The trick was to be able get down quickly if the elevator stopped at a floor to let on a doctor or nurse. Another part of the game was to hit the emergency stop button while someone else was mid-surf. For the rest of the day solid floors felt like they were moving up and down.

Still it was a hospital and a big one. We saw plenty of nasty and interesting stuff. Yes, I have my share of 'stuff up the butt' stories--I'll spare you the details. I even saw open heart surgery when they called for a portable X-ray because their sponge count was off. The man's rib cage was agape and there was the heart in the middle of the red canyon plain as day and still as a rock while the heart lung machine did it's job.

It was at RGH when I first witnessed death but still not up close and personal. I saw plenty of patients I had brought over from emergency and perhaps even talked to, covered with a sheet later on in the ER.

Still, this was just a job and not even full-time. I was still doing gigs as a bass player and a sound mixer. I was mowing laws and working with retarded adults to keep one or two meals ahead. My X-ray job either started very early on weekend mornings or was the night shift altogether, which didn't always gel with music gigs. There were several times that I went straight to work after a gig and crashed on the ultrasound stretcher for a couple hours instead of going home. It seemed that every time I did though someone needed an emergency ultrasound. I kept the outside door locked. I would wake up when I heard someone trying to open it and be gone by the time they came around to the inside door to open the outer one. Then I'd attempt to get some sleep on the rock-hard tomography table next door.

I hadn't saved any lives yet but I hadn't touched a bed pan either.

Both were about to change.

Fifty Favorite Movies

When someone goes to your house and starts pawing through your collection of movies does that make you nervous? Do you start preparing a series of excuses as they begin to comment on you taste. “That was a gift, that one is my wife's/kids. That one came with the house.”

“How the heck did something like that get in there!”

I am opening up my whole DVD cabinet for your inspection and sectioning off some categories of my favorites into top fives among just the movie I actually own. I'm no film critic, as you will see, but I will try to express what it is I like about these 50 favs of mine.

My Top Five Music Movies

I'm a musician, I should have a ton of music movies but frankly I find a lot of them pretty boring. Of those I own here are the five that stand out for me:

1. Sting, Bring on the Night -1985

A Steadicam moves down a long drive up some steps and into a huge French mansion while a band jams the intro chords of a upbeat tune. The shot moves through opulent rooms. Unlikely snakes of cables and road cases can be seen amongst baroque décor. Soon mixing consoles and roadies can be seen sitting about and the camera enters a grand high-ceiling room with. Sting and a band of all-American all-black jazz musicians are playing the music we've been hearing. Then the drummer kicks in full. I was hooked from that moment on. Even of you're not a Sting fan this is a cool movie that manages not to lionize it's star and even makes him look a little silly at times. The Branford Marsalis interviews alone are worth it.

2. Rush, Beyond the Lighted Stage -2010

If you're not a Rush fan, this is a well-done documentary that pulls you into the characters. If you are a Rush fan this is freakin' AWESOME!

3. Joe Bonamassa at Royal Albert Hall -2009

Joe was a child prodigy blue guitarist from Central New York State that I remember hearing about when I lived back East. Unlike most 'prods', instead of collapsing under the weight of expectations and falling into drugs and ego, Joe grew up well and put out some great, well-written, well-produced albums that just rock! Even without the 'local boy makes good' factor and the Eric Clapton walk-on, Joe is an amazing guitarist and great showman on the stage of the grand round hall without forgetting chubby kid he used to be, or the guitar geek he still is.

4. The Commitments -1991

To get all the jokes make sure you have the captions on for this great Alan Parker film about out-of-work Irish kids playing if a soul band. No it's not a doc, but accurately captures the essence of being in a band better than any documentary I've seen. It's also really funny.

5. Once -2006

Another Irish music film that feels more real than any doc. Like the commitments, the actors are real musicians but unlike the Commitments these musicians are always playing on camera and wrote their own wonderful songs. It's also a love story that has a nice innocent quality to it but never gets close to being sentimental or sappy.

My Top Five Travelogue Movies

I love to travel, so naturally I like my movies to hit the highway as well. A journey can really move a story and parallel the characters' inner journeys, plus a change of scenery is always nice.

6. Midnight Run -1988

A foul mouthed bounty hunter (Robert DeNiro) and a mild-mannered but annoying accountant/white collar criminal with a heart of gold (Charles Grodin), handcuffed together on a cross country journey with the police, the mob and everyone else on God's green earth hunting them. What's not to love?

7. A Sure Thing -1985

Another unlikely pair forced to endure each other cross country but with college sexual tension this time. One of them is cute (Daphne Zuniga), the other is a wise-cracking John Cusack. Done and done!

8. Planes Trains & Automobiles -1987

Like with all John Hughes movies, I'm beginning to see a pattern with my favs here as well; opposites forced together through some sort of journey. On this occasion the journey is literall as well as symbolic on the road... “They're on a crash course with whAAAAAkiness.” This is as funny and quotable as it is touching. If you're one of the six people who haven't seen this movie do yourself a favor and take yourself off the list.

9. Rain Man -1988

See this movie for the quotes and love it for everything else. Of all my road movies, this one makes me feel the most like I am traveling with these wonderful characters.

10. Coupe de Ville -1990

Three brother's who could not be more different or at odds with one another drive home in a convertible Coup De Ville to their father who has purchased it for his wife's birthday. This coast to coast tale is different from the others in two respects. 1. It's one of the only American travelogues I know of that go West to East. 2. You've never heard of it. Daniel Stern, the guy most known for getting repeatedly klonked in the “Home Alone” movies, shows not only a completely different side of his acting but that he really truly is an excellent actor. To be honest I broke the rules with this one. I don't actually own it yet but that's not for lack of trying; astonishingly it isn't available on DVD for some reason. It's such a gem of a movie I had to include it.

My Top Five Laugh Therapy Movies

The Blues Brothers -1980

I am trying not to repeat any movie in these different categories. Here's one that could have been in my top five in several. It's sort of a travelogue, it's definitely a music movie, great quotes, etc... the bottom line is that it always has the laugh endorphin meter in the red so here it resides.

11. LA Story -1991

I loved this movie before I moved to LA. After I'd lived here a few years it got 32.8% funnier.

12. A Christmas Story -1983

This movie makes me nostalgic for a time I wasn't even around for, but I don't need to tell you how funny it is because you've either seen it ten times or you were brought up in Gdansk.

13. Galaxy Quest -1999

A ridiculous movie about a ridiculous premise that I laugh ridiculously hard at. My fav in this movie: Tony Shaloub!

14. The Burbs -1989

One of my wife's favorites and consequently on of mine. I'm not doing her any favors though, this is a character rich environment. I love Bruce Dern as the over militarized Vietnam vet and Rick Ducommun as the over-enthusiastic, clueless neighbor with the unabashed Canadian accent who manages to take Tom Hanks from a rational guy trying to keep to himself, to a unstrung paranoid neighbor... but are you paranoid if they really are out to get you?

15. Harold & Maude -1971

Is it a love story... or a life story? You'll have to forgive me, I've been watching a snarky clip show being taped as I write this and everything suddenly seems to need a healthy dose snarkasm. But seriously, if you haven't seen this because it's an amazing story with great humor and quirky characters, see it to see the then-unknown Tom Skerrit as the frustrated motorcycle cop.

My Top Five Comfort Movies

These are the films I turn to when I come home from a lousy day.

16. Sabrina -1995

There's not an unloveable character anywhere in this movie but maybe it's the fairytale quality that makes it the cinematic equivalent of mac and cheese... You understand that's a good thing right?

17. Fools Rush In -1997

This is the funniest movie Matthew Perry has ever acted in. It's a great story too but there are plenty of laughs per minute that never feel forced or unnatural.

18. A League of Their Own -1992

When we first moved to Hollywood, we were holed up in a Motel 6 for the first couple weeks. That time was stressful and down-right scary. At the same time HBO was running “A League of Their Own” and we watched it at least four times. It's a great movie on it's 'own' but the comfort I associated with it escaping those rough times still make it a go-to film when I just need to escape for a while.

19. The Big Chill -1983

Ah, this one's no chic flick. Clearly, the concept of Glenn Close setting her husband up to impregnate her best friend is the brainchild of a man. It's more the atmosphere of the weekend visit of good friends that I find comforting somehow.

20. Gosford Park -2001

There are hundreds of English weekend-at-the-huge-mansion-who dunnits but this one is different in many respects. It's smarter and it's plot and characters more intricate. I think it's the fact that by the time we had seen it enough times to keep track of the characters and all the little nuances, we were hooked. That never would have happened if it wasn't an awesome movie to begin with though.

Five Top Movies I can't stop quoting (and a quote from each)

21. Juno -2007
Juno is shaking a developed pregnancy test strip. The convenient store clerk (Rainn wilson) responds: “that ain't no Etch-A-Sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet.”

22. Garden State -2004
“Don't pick on me for my hobbies, I don't pick on you for being an asshole.”

23. Blazing Saddles -1974
“Mongo only pawn... in game of life.”

24. Office Space -1999
“It seems you've been missing a lot of work lately.” “I wouldn't say I've been missing it Bob.”

25. Young Frankenstein -1974
“SEDAGIVE??!!!”

My Top Five 'By Accident' Movies

We all have movies in our collection that got there through means other than our deliberate efforts; some that we can't even explain how they got there. That doesn't mean we can't fall in love some of them.

26. Them -1954

During a visit to Cambridge, MA. to visit my aunt and my TV savvy cousins, they were watching “Them” a fifties horror lick about giant ants. Being a ten or eleven-year-old country bumpkin with only a hour of daily TV rations, I found the movie pretty intense and scary. Later when all the kids were bunked together in one room. One voice was heard in the darkness, it was mine: “I keep thinking about them stinkin' ants!” To this day I can't visit my cousins without getting ribbed about that. This past summer, my cousin DJ presented me with the DVD of “Them”. I watched it and was amazed by how tame it was compared to so many things I had seen in the past thirty-five years. I also came to realize, unlike many of the horror/monster movies of the fifties, “Them” was actually a pretty good movie.

27. A Hard Day's Night -1964

I also remember seeing “A Hard Day's Night” on TV as a kid. All I remember was a helicopter and four guys running around a field and falling down. I didn't fully understand who the Beatles were but it was obvious that they were having fun. Many years later I married a Beatle fan and it wasn't too long before I saw HDN again as an adult. Yep, they were still having fun and so did I watching them.

28. Rejected -2000

I also married a girl with interesting, quirky and artistic tastes. She also has a great sense of humor. Words cannot describe the over-the-edge hilarity of the Oscar nominated “Rejected” aptly so...

Here is a link to the entire nine minute film if that wasn't enough for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgQqSVrkkag

29. Eraserhead -1977

I married a girl with with really, interesting, really, really quirky and really really really artistic tastes. David Lynch's Eraserhead is considered one of his masterpieces and if you thought Twin Peaks was inexplicably strange, that, my friends, was child's play.

30. Sneakers -1992

This is a video I borrowed from someone and... well you know years went by and by now trying to return it would be just... you know, awkward. In any case it's a bit of a sleeper. I'd never heard of it before. I shouldn't have to say any more than the cast of Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier, David Strathairn (Hollywood's best kept secret), Dan Akroyd, and River Phoenix less than a year before his demise, but maybe it will help to hear that it's about a band of misfit security operatives (each with his own speciality) who suddenly find themselves in hot water and.... say it with the voice... you know THAT voice... "A world of intrigue and mystery!" Charmingly, funny... Great movie!

The Five Top Movies I Don't Want You to Know That I Love

Then there are those movies towards the back... no not that far back. The ones I love but I wouldn't want you to see them without my being able to explain a little bit. Here's my chance both to embarrass and redeem myself.

31. Flight of the Navigator -1986

My wife cued up this movie and I thought, “Well, it's a live-action Disney movie from the eighties that I've never heard of. Maybe it won't be terrible. It wasn't. The missing Oscar nod perhaps not, but it's charming and sincere with an intriguing story about a kid that falls down in the woods and comes home to discover that eight years have gone by and he has an ESP connection with an alien space ship that sound suspiciously like Pee Wee Herman. Okay, okay, still not convinced. How about a young Sarah Jessica Parker? Yeah I know, she got hotter with age, but still.

32. A Goofy Movie -1995

Another surprise. And it's a yet another travelogue! Seriously, the folks who did this movie sincerely cared about what they were doing and told a great story that happened to fit in the Goofy universe.

33. Twister -1996

I once made the mistake of telling a graduate film school student friend of mine that I like this movie. I think he's thought I'm some sort of low-brow yokel ever since. Twister is supposed to be this horrible movie and I can plainly see all the things wrong with it. There's only one problem: I love it! There just something about a bunch of misfits chasing down storms in there busted up cars and ad-hoc equipment but it more than that. The story always has me riding down the road with them. Sure, there are a few moments I cringe at but they're well worth the trip. Oh and by-the-way: travelogue.

34. The Brave Little Toaster -1987

A little known Disney animation, it's a story about a group of misfit appliances on a journey of trials redemption and expired warranties. Misfits, and (guess what?) a travelogue Yay! Jon Lovitz plays an obnoxious radio (can you imagine) the the late “Theeeeey're Greeeeat!” Tony the tiger guy, Thurl Ravenscroft, plays a vacuum cleaner named, of course, Kirby.

35. A Little Princess -1995

My taste in movies has made some wonder if I am a chic. This fav may peg me for a ten year-old girl as well. But wait, this story, if you know it, has all sorts of Dickensian cruelty, injustice, suffering and ultimately REVENGE! Yay, revenge! Not exactly Rambo in a dress with ribbons in the hair (wait! actually, Rambo did have ribbons in his hair) but it's a nice story and I like it, so there!

Top Five Movie's You Probably Haven't Seen -But Should

Okay now that I'm through that embarrassment let me redeem myself--though the film students have long since moved on--with some off the beaten path films in my humble collection that I absolutely love that maybe you haven't heard of but aren't too terribly esoteric either.

36. Primer -2004

This film is so clever and intricate you'll have to see it a couple times to figure everything out. What I like about primer is that it treats a subject like time travel, not in a glitzy adventurous sci-fi way but views it from the perspective of engineers and treats engineers the way they really are from their quest to find a new technology in their off hours and launch their own successful company, to the growing mistrust and the vortex of chaos they enter when they start to mess around with time. You'd never guess that the writer/director only spent a few thousand dollars making it.

37. The Dish -2000

Maybe everyone has actually heard of this but it's a great little sleeper about a sleepy little town in Western Australia that just happens to have a large satellite dish that just happens to be in the right orientation during Neil Armstrong' historic moon walk. There are some challenges along the way and a wonderful collection of quirky characters in a friendly little town.

38. Secretary -2002

This one may be a bit racy for the kids and the chaste at heart, but if you allow yourself an open mind for an hour and and forty-four minutes these characters will get to you and you will no longer think of this subject matter the same way.

39. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra -2001

What if you made a fifties black and white sci-fi horror film that was soooo horribly bad that it was wonderful and in-fact hilarious. Oh by-the-way it's 2001 and you're shooting on DV. The dialogue in this movie alone is priceless here's a quick sample:

40. Bubble -2005

Let's say your a successful director... we're talking Ocean's 11, 12, 13, and a best director Oscar on your mantel, but you like to 'keep' it real once in a while with an experimental project where you show up in economically depressed West Virginia city and cast non-acting locals to more-or-less play themselves in a micro-budget indy film that doesn't have a script and relies heavily on improv. If that were the case, your name would be Steven Soderberg and you would end up with a one-of-a-kind really cool film called "Bubble".

My All-time Desert Island Top Ten (among the movies I own)

...and not including the preceding forty I already mentioned that I managed to sneak onto the desert island in a secret compartment in my volley ball along with a DVD player, a five kilowatt solar panel and a change of underwear.

41. Raising Arizona -1987

You won't hear dialog like this anywhere; not evenin other Coen Brothers' films. Though I'm not positive I can say that this is my favorite film of all time, I often do when pressed for an answer. I can still remember seeing this movie for the first time being continually delighted as the Coen brothers took me on a series of unexpected turns that were at once hilarious, Disneyesque whacky, and deceptively deep and meaningful.

42. Lars and the Real Girl -2007

What if people really cared for one another? Without being the slightest bit sappy, this movie will make you expect the world to be a better place when you're done falling in love with everyone of the people (and one whose not) in this film. Explaining the interesting premise would only mislead you.

43. Brick -2005

This is a noir film containing all the classic elements but set in a modern day high school. That description doesn't do much to prepare you for some of the best dialogue I've heard in a long time and a story that sucks you into it's rabbit hole. This movie and it's characters are wall-to-wall cool. Even though this trailer (like all trailors) make it look far more conventional than it really is, it will give you an idea.

44. It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World -1963

This could have been in four of the categories I listed above (yup, another travelogue). Talk about a crash-course with whackiness! Also the cameo movie to end all cameo movies.

45. The Big Lebowski -1998

If you don't love the Dude there's no explaining it.

46. Blade Runner -1982

Sublime imagery, music and Sean Young tell me that the dark, rainy, corrupt future isn't all bad.

47. The Hunt for Red October -1990

Lots of great quotable lines and of course the awesome Tom Clancy plot line, well imparted by Connery's and Baldwin's characters doesn't hurt either.

48. North by Northwest -1959

Another Travelogue from the man who wrote the definitions of intrigue and suspense: Alfred Hitchcock.

49. Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 -2003, 2004

Quinton Tarrantino showed us what over-the-top was, then he went over, over-the-top -just cuz..

50. Contact -1997

I was always a big Carl Sagan and Jody Foster fan so I guess it was inevitable that this movie would do it for me. I had no idea much though. I actually saw this in the theater four times dragging someone new with me on each occasion. Perhaps I found comfort in the fact that her mind bending journey across galaxies made my impending move to LA seem that much more manageable.

The Top Ten Movies I don't own but should

For whatever reasons some of my very favorite films are not a part of my library. If I owned these movies they surely would have made the list:

Maverick -1994

The Gods Must Be Crazy -1981

The Triplets of Bellville -2003

The Wizard of Oz -1939

Rat Race -2001

Gregory's Girl -1981

While You Were Sleeping -1995

Tombstone -1993

Henry V -1989

Clerks -1994

So there you have it... what's that? I promised full access to my video cabinet? I guess I did didn't I. Well, you asked for it:

A Christmas Story • A Goofy Movie • A Hard Day's Night • A League of their Own • A Little Princess • A Prairie Home Companion • A Simple Twist of Fate • African Queen • Alfred Hitchcock -Early Collection • Alice in Wonderland • All of Me • American Beauty • American Pie • American Pie 2 • Animal House • Bagdad Cafe • Band of Brothers • Beetlejuice • Benny and Joon • Bitter films Volume 1 • Blade Runner • Blazing Saddles • Blue Velvet • Breakfast at Tiffany's • Brick • Brief Encounter • Bubble • Bugsy • Capote • Cartoons that Time Forgot The Ub Iwerks Collection Vol 2 • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory • Contact • Dark and Stormy Night • Dead Poets Society • Death Proof • Dirty Dancing • Donnie Brasko • Donnie Darko • Dr Katz Season 1 • Edward Scissor Hands • Emergecy -Season 1 • Empire of the Sun • Eraserhead • ET • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind • Everythingwillbeok -Don Hertzfeld • Failure to Launch • Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas • Ferris Bueller's Day Off • Flight of the Navigator • Flight of the Navigator • Fools Rush In • Forrest Gump • French Kiss • Frida • Fried Green Tomatoes • Funny Face • Galaxy Quest • Garden State • Ghost • Girl Interrupted • Good Will Hunting • Gosford Park • Gran Torino • Grosse Pointe Blank • Groundhog Day • Harold and Maude • HELP! -The Beatles • Heman Masters of the Universe • High Plains Drifter • History of the World Part I • Home Alone • Home Alone 2 • I Love You to Death • I'll Be Home for Christmas -JT Thomas • I'll Do Anything • Icestorm • Imposters • It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World • It's a wonderful Life • Jeff Dunham, Arguing with Myself • Joe Bonamassa at Royal Albert Hall • Johnny Dangerously • Julie and Julia • Juno • Karate Kid • Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 • LA Story • Lars and the Real Girl • Life with Father • Little Miss Sunshine • Little Women • Lolita • Lost in Translation • M -Fritz Lang • Magnum PI Season 3 • Man with a Movie Camera • Matilda • Melody Time -Walt Disney Animations • Memphis Belle • Mermaids • Mickey's Christmas Carol • Midnight Run • Monsoon Wedding • Monty Python and the Holy Grail • Monty Python's The Meaning of Life • Moulin Rouge • MST3K -Vol 1 • MST3K -Vol 2 • MST3K -Vol 3 • MST3K -Vol 4 • MST3K -Vol 5 • MST3K Red Zone Cuba • MST3K The Movie • Much Ado About Nothing • My Neighbor Totoro • Night Shift • North By Northwest • Nothing but Trouble • Office Space • Once • Overboard • Pee Wee's Big Adventure • Plagues and Pleasures on the Salton Sea • Primer • Rain Man • Raising Arizona • Rear Window • Rejected -Don Hertzfeld • Romeo & Juliet -Baz Luhrman w/ DiCaprio/Danes • Roseanne Season 1 • Rumor Has It • Rush R30 • Rush, Beyond the Lighted Stage • Sabrina • Schizopolis • Scrooged • Secretary • Sense and Sensibility • Shine • Sin City • Sister Act • Sixteen Candles • Sleepless in Seattle • Snatch • Sneakers • Snowball Express • So I Married am Ax Murderer • Somewhere in Dreamland -Max Fleischer' s Color Classics • Spaceballs • Speechless • Spirited Away • Starring Donald -Walt Disney • Steamboat Bill Junior -Buster Keaton • Sting -Bring on the Night • Stranger Than Fiction • The Abyss • The Adventures of Pete and Pete Season 2 • The American Gangster • The Big Chill • The Big Lebowski • The Blues Brothers • The Bodyguard • The Brave Little Toaster • The Burbs • The Changling ('70s) • The Commitments • The Dish • The General -Buster Keaton • The Ghost and Mrs. Muir • The Golden Girls Season 1 • The Haunting • The Hours • The Hunt For Red October • The Jerk • The Kid -Charlie Chaplin • The King and I • The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra • The Lost Skeleton Returns Again • The Miracle Worker • The Nativity Story • The Nightmare Before Christmas • The Others • The Princess Bride • The Red Shoes • The Red Violin • The Rocky Horror Picture Show • The Secret Garden • The Sure Thing • The Upside of Anger • The White Stripes -Under Blackpool Lights • Them • Thoroughly Modern Millie • Three Men and a Little Lady • Three Men and Baby • Tillie's Punctured Romance -Charlie Chaplin • Tin Cup • Titanic • Topper Returns • Toy Story 3 • Twister • Ulysses' Gaze • Uncle Buck • Walk the Line • Wall E • Waynes World • Waynes World 2 • What About Bob • Wild Child • Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory • You've Got Mail • Young Frankenstein •